Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You Might Also Like
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes