Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant