@dshack8: KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I'm not committed to it actually happening.
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@curlycomedy: White people don't dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the "Woo!" at the end of a song.
@XplodingUnicorn: [looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now
@JElvisWeinstein: They're calling the Patriot thing "Deflategate?" I was hoping they'd go with "Ball-o-caust."
@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: "I need big girl clothes." Him: "You haven't gained that much." Me: "I meant adult clothes for work." Him: "Does the couch pull out?"