KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Match dot com, but for socks.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.