Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.