Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Best spoiler warning ever
Noted.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.