My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”