“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.