@robotmouthfarts: Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can't convict with no murder weapon. It's the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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@thespacewad: If your parents say, "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up", remind them that they'll have to die for you to be Batman.
@ArfMeasures: ME: This house is haunted WIFE [sigh] We've been thru this, that's our son SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
@BobTheSuit: Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch 87% Musical Chairs
@MacAnnabella: My friend's offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding. She's probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go :)