@robotmouthfarts: Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can't convict with no murder weapon. It's the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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@Jennifergr8: Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? He replied....chicken. Thank god he is good looking.
@peteholmes: "Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression
@LocoBurritoMan: Today I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet.. I managed to get away, but he definitely gave me a good run for my money!
@jjhartinger: [ring] Me: Hi Mom: You picked up. Me: I know M: Why Me: You called M: I wanted to leave a message Me: Just tell me M: Hang up [ring] Me: Hi