@robotmouthfarts: Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can't convict with no murder weapon. It's the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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@TEN_GOP: Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend. Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer. Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?
@iGreenMonk: My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me. So, who's stupid now?
@gojarbe: [wedding] i wrote my own vows *removes paper* "chickety china the chinese chicken" whoops wrong one *2nd paper* "if i had $1,000,000"
@ericsshadow: THINGS CHICKS DIG: 1. Popcorn 2. Puppy dogs 3. I can't think of anything else, I'm very bad with women.