Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Watermelon Boss!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK