Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
You Might Also Like
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Most fashion shows these days…
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
A completely valid reaction tbh