“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
twitter users today:
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
They grow up so quick
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever