[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
my retirement plan is braless
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
this FaceApp is creepy af
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.