[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”