@sad_tree: *Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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@myonlymizztake: I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.
@AnkCoupleTO: [Easter] Her: Where should I hide the eggs? Me: Not in your ovaries, I've already found two H: I was referring to our children M: So was I
@TheTimmyToes: me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here's $2.37 million see you in 18 years
@FrenulumBreve: *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance* *the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*