Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that