@aecide: Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.
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@iamfase: The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
@DanMentos: "There's Dave" Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he's a hotdog and "f" is a vowel? [cut to Dave writing in a book titled "Diary of an frank"]
@novicefather: My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don't know what it means but I'm terrified.
@noog: GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.