@aveuaskew: Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
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@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
@davidkenny100: Morgan Freeman: I'm not losing my mind, I'm not losing my mind. [Morgan Freeman voice] He was though. He was losing his mind big time
@writerPT: It's my mom's personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.