Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Muppet Screams
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave