Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
You Might Also Like
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…