*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Legend 🤣🤣
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Watermelon Boss!
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
u guys got any snacks onboard here
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.