*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.