Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
He’s cranky this morning
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Cinematography is my passion
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.