Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
You sure about that?