@michaelianblack: Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the "intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist" wing of the Democratic Party.
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@WilliamAder: Don't ask me if I have a safety pin if you're going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
@brunopieroni: We shouldn't point out other people's grammar mistakes because one day it will be you're turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
@carlyken: So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.