Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
What a chick magnet..
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.