@michaelianblack: Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the "intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist" wing of the Democratic Party.
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@Playing_Dad: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
@Laser_Cat: *two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah* Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
@The_Sculptress: The only double penetrating I'll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.