I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.