Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail