Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible