@kelkulus: Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from "Leader of North Korea" to "Supreme Leader of North Korea" by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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@pleatedjeans: Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@matt___nelson: [PetSmart] *approaches checkout with bird seed* "that all for you today?" Yes. How long does it usually take? "For what?" For them to grow
@BrucioMcCulloch: I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream "Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!"