Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.