KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
#StillHurts
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Merica.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Current mood: Potato
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.