Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
This is Sparta
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*