Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
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4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I鈥檒l be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Plant care tips
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I鈥檝e put a stop to that nonsense.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.