fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too