KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?