@JennyJohnsonHi5: Kim Kardashian's birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It's almost like it was made for TV! Wait....
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@too_chihuahua: Dad I'm gay *Dad rips newspaper* "WHAT" I like guys dad "Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second"
@Cheeseboy22: One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.
@msmessymist: Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I'm amazing!!