Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.