@mydanimarie: Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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@baconacid: *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
@Angrea: OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
@TheToddWilliams: [high seas] FIRST MATE: I can't wait to see my wife again PIRATE: Land Ho! FIRST MATE: Now look, that's a little rude