Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You Might Also Like
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.