Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none