Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
To clean up or just move. This is the question.