Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?