Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I hope they boil the right one.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd