Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?