Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
When I said I liked it rough.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
accurate
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)