Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.