Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
You Might Also Like
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
A flock of dads is called a grill.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”