My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Planet of the Apps.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.