kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.