Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
#TopTip
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.