Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over