Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
You Might Also Like
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok