@danjan13: Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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@E_lok44: *puts down window Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Yes *puts up window and drives away
@rockymomax: ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer
@peteholmes: "Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression
@sfreeze6: My resume is just an old VHS tape of the "Life Goes On" episode where Corky lip syncs "Fight the Power" for his school's talent show.