“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Ferrari squats
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
PLEASE READ
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?