King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
who called it hell and not heaven’t
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.